KUFM, or as I say, Cuff’em

OK, suckers, I’m back. I’m in a bad mood again, cranky from the rain. We need it but god damn I got moss growing on my back and other places you don’t want to know about. When’s Hooter’s going to open up, anyway? That’s a good cure for cabin fever.

Since it’s been raining I been sitting around listening to the radio. And I listen to cowboy music some, from that station in Ronan called KERR. The FM cowboy stations are too damn loud and full of ads. Ronan’s got Paul Harvey on at noon, too. He calls it like it is. Nothing escapes him. He knows whos stealing from who and who needs to go to jail.

And his rest of the story is damn good. He’s always got a suprise at the end. His storytelling is kind of like cowboy storytelling. Good and honest and has something to say in the end. Not like most of the people you meet walking down the damn sidewalk.

But I listen to this college station, too. KUFM. Public radio. They get out all over the state. The cowboys I know back east say it’s all run by a bunch of Missoula hippies. They laugh and call them Cuff’em. I have to agree.

Now, they have some good music on, like on Tuesday afternoon when they guy does a nice show on old timey music. He uses to call it Trails Plowed Under. Now it’s just the Stan Howe Show. He travels all over for the music he plays.

And they got good blues on Wednesday night, too. I like the blues because it’s a little like country music. You got to stand back and holler once in a while about what’s bugging you, be it womens or drink or whatever done you wrong, as they say.

Friday night’s music is OK most of the time, except when they have this guy named Fred who plays the same damn songs over and over again. It’s modern music, but he plays the same things. He sounds like a broken record, and he likes to try and sound cool, like, hey, I know I’m playing the same damn records over and over each week, but I think they’re good, so there. I call him Fried Rice because I think he’s fried his brain with too much whacky tobaccy.

Then there’s this gal on Sunday night. Damn, she prattles on and on about what she calls “personal transformations” like she’s laying on a couch in a shrink’s office. Like we want to know how much you thought it was a beautiful fall day or how the snow makes you misty eyed or how you hope everyone has a beautiful week. Shut up and play your music. I like to call her Groan. Groan Richards. Or she has some frenchy sounding way she says her last name.

But I kind of like the music, too. What do they call that? Space music? Sometimes is sounds like alien spaceships flying over the prairie in the middle of the night. Makes me sleepy sometimes, but makes me feel like I’m flying, too. She’s got some funny last name, too; sounds like one of them french names, but I think she made it up to sound more like she’s a like a real radio personality.

But my biggest grip with Cuff’em is that a whole rank of musicians have infiltrated the station. Now, I like music about as much as anyone else. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t listen to the damn radio. But the problem with musicians is lots of the time they won’t shut the hell up and play music. They like to talk. And talk. And run on and on about bullshit because they like to hear themselves talk. What’s worse than a DJ who likes to hear themselves talk? Shut the fuck up and play those damn records already and quit using the radio as your own bully pulpit to sell your own records. (And yes, and by writing “records” instead of CDs I show how old I am).

One of them dresses up in african stuff and beats his drum and thinks he’s cool. I think he just wishes he was black. He’s even what they call the program director; he kind of runs the station. He’s on Tuesday morning, and damn I about puke when I hear his voice. He just likes to hear himself talk. He plays all these records where the banjo player don’t even know how to tune his banjo. Now, is that music? Music is supposed to sound good. Not like some chickens scratching on a banjo left out in the back yard. Or drug behind a truck on a dirt road.

Another one of them musicians interviews musicians but runs his mouth so much they musician hardly gets a word in edgewise. He’s on Tuesday afternoon. Musician’s Showcase or something. Maybe it is cheap therapy, as they say, being on the radio. Maybe all those DJ’s are just getting cheap help from imagineing a shrink is listening to them, execpt it’s the whole damn valley.

And then they’ve got some old broad named Germane who mumbles her way through a book everyday at lunchtime. And then they’ve got the lesbians on Tuesday night, so they ain’t missing no one.

And money. Jesus christ. What a bunch of cheep, greedy bastards. I heard Cuff‘em raises like 400 thousand dollars during their fundraiser selling Llama dung (no shit) and photographs of the peace sign that used to be up on the hill. Other peace-love-and-understanding hippies donate hand made premiums like paintings and pictures and cakes and muffins. There you have it: a give money liberal media free for all. Who pays taxes on all that?

And then Cuff’em still whines about how if you’d like to sponsor a show and this and that and donate an old car ot truck so they can sell it and make more money. Where’s all that money go? To the beer and wacky tobaccy fund? Maybe buy some new CDs for Fried Rice for once?

Jeez, now I’m too pissed to write anymore. have to keep going next week. I ain’t as young as I used to be. Ain’t got the poop to raise hell no more all day and all night long.

Till next time, suckers

Damn Good Rain

What a good rain last few days. Sometimes I know that some things about old Moo Town don’t suck. Like the rain. I get tired of it too, but hell, when you get half an inch when you’re two inches down it’s like money from heaven. Things will green up good now. My humble advice is to forget about your stupid Moo Town politics for a little while and go for a walk in the hills and see the flowers and walk by the river and watch it run like I don’t know what.

Once I heard a few business suits on the bridge once talking one spring, and when I walked by I heard one say to the other that there was no stopping water. Well, hell. Glad to see at least two business suits out of the whole world have some common sense.

I’ve been driving around a bit in the old truck, checking out the rivers and how high they are. The Big Blackfoot is roaring, all washing over my old fishing spots, and the Bitterroot is cleaning house and you should see all the logs and branches coming down, sweepers that were pulled right out by the roots. The Clark Fork is higher than hell, but it ain’t as high as it’s been, that’s for sure. Still room to grow. But the rain is slowing down and the snow melt is too. Maybe we can save some for the summer.

Hell, the rain and the rivers even made the papers today. They got some people out at a gravel pit worrying about flooding out. Wouldn’t that be funny if the Reserve Street bridge got washed under? So they had to close it down? What would all the suckers do it they couldn’t go to Walmart and buy their chinese crap?

They are even worried about the sewage plant. What would happen if the city crap factory had to shut down? They’d just dump it all in the river, let people downstream smell it.

Had to laugh about the kayakers and their rodeo that got canceled out last week. They must have been crying in there beers. You’d think that the people who plan those things would have the sense to think about what time of the year the run off happens. Guess maybe they did, but mother nature fooled them. Can’t say I’m sad. In the summer they float around with some bullshit rap music polluting the air, so bad you can’t hardly walk across the bridge without wanting to puke and wonder why stupid white kids like gangster music, as they call it.

Sorry, I was in a pretty good mood for a little while.

But hell, like I was saying, the rain is good. They got it out east, too. The wheat farmers are real happy. I once seen a mailbox out east with a sign on it that said a good rain and a baby calf are always welcome. That’s for sure. Be glad somethings falling from heaven. We don’t often get presents like xmas.

Short one this week, folks. For once I’m in a good mood. But watch out for next week.

Lots of Ron Paulies Hot Under The Collar

I certainly got some people hot under the collar last week. All I got to say is watch out for pissed off Ron Paul groupies and spooked pack mules; shit and mantys and hooves are going to be flying, though I think an average mule is smarter than your average Ron Paul groupie. Seems like all the Ron Paulies could say is to call me retarded or I need a dictionary or on and on. Real good way to try and convince me that ‘ol Ron Paul is going to change the world.

First off, Ron Paulies – don’t take yourself so seriously. You’re all just kids. Which means you don’t know nothing. Go around the block a few times and maybe you’ll shake off the idea that some politician is going to change the world. Try going around the world a few times and you’ll get the idea that you don’t know nothing. Try having a gu pointed at you and having to make a life and death decision and not just get up in the morning and go see where to get a cup of joe to yaak about Ron Paul.

if you really read and think (well, shit – “think about it” – what an idea?) about it you see that you need to get your own horse saddled and your own barn cleaned out first, than you’ll see that politicians are just the same, or worse. They want to make you believe they’re the best thing since sliced bread so they can get into office and feather their own nest. Check and see if Ron Paul voted for to raise his own pay in Congress. Check to see what kind of lobby money he takes, how he pays to fly around on his plane. How big is his house? His shit stinks just like everyone elses.

It’s called politics. That’s the nature of the beast. It’s to make people like you lots and beleive your bullshit and vote so you get elected so you can make lots of money on the backs of the little guys.

And the local paper has been writing lots more opinion pieces and giving space in the paper for more people to run their mouths. Most of them have something to say. Except for the Ron Paulies. Every letter to the editor I see has got some hot under the collar bullshit and an argument that don’t make any sense and then, to top it off, as if w ain’t been reading, they end up their letter with some stupid shit like “The Ron Paul Revolution!” Like that’s going to impress anyone.

Hell, one of those letters wasn’t half bad, except for the last line. I was reading along and kind of agreeing wit some of it and thinking I cold he their point of view, and then I got tripped up and about fell flat on my face with the last line. That blew the hole letter for me. Then I figured he was just some Ron Paulie groupie spouting the same old shit. Only people that are going to nod their heads are other Ron Paulies. That’s called preaching to the choir. Look that up in your dictionary.

And littering the town with Ron Paul Revolution stickers on everything. You seriously think that someone sitting at a stop light is going to see that sticker and think, holy shit, I have to vote for that guy. He’s going to change the world!

Now, I know that the followers of some body, be it a politician, a religious person, or what have you, don’t necessarily have much to do with that person. We all know we can turn on the TV and see all kinds of preachers who think they are tight with Jesus and for that reason you should send your money to them. And if you really read The Good Book like a human being and not like a mule with blinkers on, you’ll find real, down to earth basic humanity and hear Jesus say that he’s not the leader of man, that he doesn’t want us kneeling before him or making lots of money for him. So if there’s a world of Ron Paulie’s spouting off about guns and the constitution and Montana and how the world needs to be fixed and King Bullshit Ron Paul is the man to do it, well, we do have to admit that many of them are still damp around the ears and they just don’t know shit and we mostly can’t judge Ron Paul by his groupies.

Sounds like a bunch of these Ron Paulies want to go to war for this guy. All these wars that people fight over what they think is right. If you read the bible and the koran and all those books you’ll find that they all say that. Nothing stupider than fighting a war over someone’s god. Nothing stupider than going to war over some politician or what a politician says.

I got a kid from the U to show me how to turn comments on and off. I gave you Ron Paulie’s a chance. But you all blew it last time.

God I’m sick of the politics. I don’t know who’s going to be president and I almost don’t care. They’re all proven to be the same. And all their groupies are proven to be the same.

Go do something down the street from where you’re at. Try using your brain. If you really want to change the world, that is. Go help some old lady without thinking about how your going to make money off of her. Go be nice to some animal who can’t help itself. Forget about some bullshit politician saving the world.

So long for now.

And yes, my dog Scrap Iron is smarter than your Ron Paulie Groupie

Ron Paul – King Bullshit

Ron Paul: King Bullshit.

So I read in the paper that ‘ol Ron Paul’s got this five million dollars left over, and he’s blowing it on plane tickets, helping out global warming on his ego tour so he can run his mouth about how everyone should be free and be free to help themselves and the world with personal responsibility. He ain’t got a chance in hell to get anywhere, except go back to his job in congress and draw that $150,000 a year he makes or something like that. Maybe that’s tax money he’s using to fly around the country? Ever think of that? Is that personal responsibility?

The problem is that people just ain’t that much into personal responsibility. See all those punk ass kids lined up to shake his hand? Ask how many of them would stop and help an old lady with a flat tire? Huh? How many of them would try and stop some hobo from getting kicked to death downtown some night? Give some food to the food bank? Or even use their damn brains long enough to think before they run their mouths?

Listen to this, right from the paper: “I think he’ll restore American government to the way it’s supposed to be,” this kid said. “He’s for guns, the Constitution, all the things Montanans like.”

Now, what the hell does that mean? American Government the way it’s supposed to be. Who gets to decide how the government’s supposed to be? This kid, who cant even talk a line, who only spews bullshit that they told him to say, wants to decide how government is supposed to be. Government gets the way it’s supposed to be by people voting and by people talking and working out ideas and this and that. Government doesn’t get the way it’s supposed to be by one guy deciding it’s gong to be that way. That is, unless we’re the Nazi’s again. Hey, Ron. What do you think about the Nazi’s? You want everyone to buy into your bullshit and get rid of everything in the government so things run your way?

First of all, the kid says guns. Guns? What does he know about guns? He’s 22, a punk ass kid. He’s been out plinking gophers or some bunch of critters that he was told are varmints. So he knows how to shoot. Maybe. Carries his plinker in the window of his truck to show he’s a bad ass. Maybe we should sign him up for boot camp and then we’ll see what he thinks about guns. Well, maybe he’ll like all the big guns he gets to play with. Well, then, send him to war, a war that some politician dreams up. Then he’ll have to shoot people, and then we’ll find out what kind of punk ass kid he is. He won’t have the guts. So he thinks everybody needs a gun to protect themselves. Hell, you need that gun to protect yourself from Ron Paul’s revolution, the one that wants to take over your brain and turn you into a zombie like in some movie.

And then the punk ass kid says The Constitution. Hey, kid – ever read the Constitution? I don’t think you could. It ain’t written in the kind of English you seem to know. Tell me what the Bill of RIghts is. Hell, tell me the difference between the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Tell me where the right to bear arms comes from. And you better be reading the paper, cause they’re trying to figure it out right now in DC with the Supreme Courts. Never hears of that? You better git reading. Educate yourself. You’re supposed to be in college, right?

The problem is that the Constitution is the last refuge of scoundrels. I mean that because it is open to interpretation. Big word for you, kid? Huh? That means its general as hell. People real all kinds of stuff into it. Mostly, they read their own bullshit into it, and think it means what they want it to mean.

And the last thing the punk ass kid says is that those are all things Montanans like. Well, yea, but we all get to think about it ourselves. What guns mean and what the Constitution means, that is, if we can read it. Does Ron Paul think we should get rid of all the schools? He needs people to read to listen to his bullshit. Well, enough of about punk ass kids who love Ron Paul.

Hey, Ron, listen to yourself talk for once and take the five million dollars and do something responsible for it. I don’t think you want people to think you’re like Ralph Nader and have millions of bucks in the bank from selling your books.

Some old guy said he bought books for his five year old kid. Well, that’s freedom for you. If you can’t keep yourself from trying to brainwash your own little kid, you’re worthless. If you really were into freedom and personal responsibility, you’d talk with your kid when he’s older about politics and about how they’re all bullshitters. Get your kid something that he can read now, so at least he can practice and be able to read when he’s old enough to think for himself. I feel sorry for your kid.

Ron Paul. King Bullshit. Leading all these kids along like a pied piper. Give me more money, buy my books so I can keep traveling around stoking my ego.

Till next time, suckers

Who cares about Moo-town Missoula Politics?

Why do people in Moo-town Missoula get so hopped up over politics? You’d think that there has never been an election around this town. That’s all there was in the paper this week, about the candidates who came to town. Hardly anything else except for big pictures on the front page. My buddy back east of the mountains called and I told him all about it, and he said it was the same back there. Damn Politics.

I’m so sick of politics. Don’t people get sick of the bullshit? Maybe they don’t think it’s bullshit. Maybe they’re already got stupid from all the speeches and flashy TV and they forgot that politicians are just people. Politicians are worse; they’re all hat and no cattle.

I mean, what politician ain’t never lied up on the stage or on TV? All these Moo-town bloggers think politicians are the best thing since sliced bread. And these bloggers think they’re somehow part of the whole presidential race by whining on and on about how great the candidates are and are just abot to run for president themselves. We’d all like to see that. All of Moo-town running for president.

“If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.“

Who said that? Will Rogers. The Cowboy Philosopher. God Rest His Soul. He made movies, to, and wrote for what they say is thousands of newspapers. I got a book of Will Rogers, and I am going to quote liberally, because he can say things so much better than me.

Like this:

“Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.”

Damn right.

Hell, the whole front page of the newspaper all week was photos of Obama or Hillary and how all these national TV and newspaper people were out here keeping up with it all. I don’t care if they say Montana matters now in the presidential race; all it might mean is more people moving here. We don’t need that. I mean Jesus Christ Porking Mother Teresa In The Middle Of The Dirt Road we don’t need more people moving here.

And the money. Billions of dollars going to these fools so they can run their mouths about how there going to save the country and save our souls. Billions of dollars for those planes and secret service agents and all that. Where are the Moo-towners whining about global warming when it comes to these fools flying all over the world running their mouths?

Old Will Rogers again:

“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”

All these people think Obama (now, I didn’t say Osama, did I? You were expecting me to say that, right? I may be cranky but I ain’t usually mean, unless someone really deserves it) is going to be different. But he ain’t. He’s a good talker (or he’s got a good speech writer), but he’s just a kid. If he wins, he’ll have to put lots of people that have more experience than he does in his group around him. If he ain’t got that much experience to begin with, what kind of people is he going to get? Think he has enough sense to pick good people?

Look at ol’ W. What the hell was he? He was a piss poor oil man from Texas, and if you’re an oil man in Texas and you can’t make money at it. go home. So he’s got zilch experience and so he gets railroaded by all these people he hires to work for him.

Now Hillary. What can we say? She’s got more experience, but she comes across as an old school marm. And old Slick Willy; what the hell will he do if he’s back in the white house? Get more blow jobs on government time?

And McCain. He’s a war hero, and that gets respect from me. But he’s so damn old and he just wants to get more guns out. He got wacky while the Gooks had ahold of him.

And then all these bloggers are writing all about this shit. How loud do I have to shout it? They’re all the same. Same Bullshit Different Day. But all these hipsters and peace freaks think that peace love and understanding is on the way. All they have to do is vote. Well, what can I say. if you’re that dumb well, I hope at least you got enough common sense to know the difference between your ass and a hole in the ground. And even before that, got enough sense to feed yourself when you get hungry.

Old Will Rogers again:

“The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best.”

How about another song, since you young people like music so much? Ever hear that song that goes “we won’t be fooled again?” It’s god awful rock and roll, with some guy caterwauling over the noise, but he sings “meet the new boss, same as the old boss.” Now there’s politics for you.

You’ve all been fooled. People are still dying on the streets of Moo-town while you walk by on your way to write more political gibberish on your blog or walk up the hill to paint another white rock on that hippie peace sign we all have to look at now since you think peace love and understanding will save the world.

We ain’t nothin but stupid humans, and politician are the worst. Politics: pounding sand down a rat hole, caterwauling about whose the best and who is going to win. Go do something worthwhile instead. Take your dog for a walk. Go listen to the meadowlarks – they’re back in town for the spring.

Will Rogers:

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Till next week, suckers…