Missoula’s Fat Ass Mayor

What a porker, our mayor of Missoula: John “Bubba” Engen. What a crock to ask the Missoula city council last month (or was it month before last? Time flies) for an SUV. And he used to drive a Prius. Said he’s a big guy, and he can’t get around in the little car very well anymore. Ever seen a fat guy on a horse? Funny, and it’s hard on the horse. But now you missed your chance to see Bubba in a Prius.

I’ve seen him tooling around town in that tiny Eco-wanker car, stuffed in like a sardine, always ready with a jolly laugh and a wave that doesn’t quite hide the fact that there’s nothing in between his ears. But by god, he’s going to get an SUV so he can cart his fat ass around the state and go to Helena and yapp with the elected yahoos.

Bubba looked thin during the election (was that really three years ago?), and the Missoulian even featured him on the front page one day. Color photo, reclining in a chair on a sunny sidewalk, I guess to show that he had dropped considerable poundage and because of that, well, he was THE choice for mayor. Anyone who can loose a hundred or more pounds has the grit and gravel, piss and vinegar to be major of the little town in Montana that he grew up in. (The Missoulian. Hah. And lots of us haven’t forgotten that he wrote an entirely crappy column for the paper for years. When I remember it, my brain sends puke signals to my gut.)

But now, we’re saddled with a porker for a major. He needs a Pruis the size of an 18-wheeler.

And that’s a problem, because he’s been pushing along ideas that Moo-towners have to do something about global warming. But, there’s an essential hypocrisy here: don’t you know that fat people cause global warming? (Not that any of us aren’t hypocrites. At least I’ll admit I’m one).

I mean it. It takes so much more fuel to haul fat asses around. You really have to step on it to get a Prius up to 20 MPH with a porker in the driver’s seat, and that blows all the gas savings. Any porker in any car – even an old beater Oldsmobile – takes more gas, more tires, more oil and more everything to haul fat asses around.

And more than that: it takes more cloth to make bigger clothes, which costs more to manufacture (I wonder if the Chinese are disgusted by the huge clothes they make? I can hear them now, muttering under their breath, putting in another 18 hour day for pennies: Holy Jesus and Confucius, who are these porkers? Send them to us – we will eat them).

Fat people have to eat more to keep the fat going. I mean, more body mass, more calories to burn to keep it alive, right? (I’m pretty sure. Where’s a biologist when you need him? Damn liberals got them all tied up in lawsuits. I’m just a cowboy, and don’t know anyboys with more than one of them GED degrees).

More work for the people who run the Carousel at Caras park to repair the blown out bearings after Bubba takes a ride. (But hey, Missoula needs to create more highly trained bearing mechanics, right? Now that the mills are closing down?)

There’s more work for the city to repair the sidewalks after they crumble to pieces after being pounded by crowds of fat people. (But then, you gotta mine more gravel and asphalt…)

I read somewhere that a scientist figured that all the lakes and reservoirs in the world were holding back to much water that the weight of that water actually changed the rotation of the earth. Seeing that a good 60% of people in the US are fat, that means we’re throwing off the rotation of the damn earth. If fat people aren’t changing the climate from eating too much, they’re whacking out the seasons by changing the damn rotation of the earth. What’s a god-fearing cowboy to do, except hunker down and wait for the end of the world?

Whatever happened to the city council voting on global warming? Shouldn’t they vote that the mayor – and all of the Missoula city council, too – should be height and weight proportionate? HWP, like they write in all them personal ads. I mean, so many freak types in this town act like Missoula should be a model for the rest of the “progressive” world, as they yammer. So shouldn’t we reduce the number of fat people? And by starting with the Mayor, John Bubba Engen.

But, maybe I’m being too harsh. I really am, underneath, just a good cowboy, out of my range living in Moo-zoola.

I guess fat people aren’t all that bad. I guess they use less electricity sometimes, because when it comes to thermo-dynamics, it’s more efficient to keep a refrigerator full. At least that’s what my high school science teacher said. (I think I remember it right.) But does it take less gas to heat a house of fat people? I need a scientist to figure that out.

And before you get your knickers in a twist, yes, I know that some people can’t help it. Fat can be genetic. But hell, 50% of the damn world can’t have a reason for fat. Even me and those Eco-wankers and their lawsuits can agree on that.

Signed, Missoula Sucks